cEciLia*

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Today's the farewell day of my life in TJ... mixed feelings

cos too many thots and feelings came to me, shall not elaborate on everything but wld like to just highlight how i felt;)

went to cut hair today wif yc, initially she din want to cut hair de, but she got dragged along by the hairdresser to cut lo, and it's very diff frm her usual. i think it's quite nice, wldnt say it's very nice cos i think she dun really like it. I used to rmb tt my pri sch teacher once said tt our hair are worries, cos san qian fan nao si wat... and tot tt by cutting hair will reduce my worries. In fact it's not tt true lor...hahahha, pian wo!
The hairdresser whom i need to mention is tt she looks like yc abit...cos she is a mixed blood and as u noe, yc has distinct features! but in fact wat made me rmb her is not her looks but wat she said...i think she is educational...but somehow in the wrong way at the wrong time... shall not elaborate on wat she said, but as she said, i was looking at yc's reflection in the mirror, cld sense tt she's affected. Well, yc if u r reading, i can assure u tt u r lucky tt u aren't wat she said, cos eventho now wat u can see is all these, but u'll probably not noe how ur parents feel even at the end of the day. I can tell u tt it's best for one to look on the bright side, esp when it comes to family, cos one cannot opt for his/her family but one can choose the frens they wanna hang out wif! Dun get affected!

Lunch, hmm not bad i saved quite alot of money today, cos i skipped lunch. Not exactly on purpose, but well cos i was late for the class lunch as i went for sports appreciation. The attendance is pathetic and they nv put the bowling pic into the video!!! so angry!$(@&@^$*^@
But it's ok, like wat glenda say, if they put my pic it will scare the who audi! ok lor, i get ur pt, noe i am ugly and scary!!! but i'm not tt bad looking in pics than in real life wat! As for yc and MQ who kept saying tt they feel bad abt the lunch...eh no need la, u all shd feel happy for me, cos i think this wk i shd be able to lose 1kg! ahah! Actually i think i noe i'm some sort of neglected, but i dun like to feel this way cos i've grown out of tt period of jealousy petty anger! ahaha!!!

i noe i'm longwinded but i shall write on...
i cried today...hahah, and i'm the only one who did in my class i think... yes i am always this emotional... i usually feel more than others do... hahaha, dun wish to explain why too;) i noe tt some ppl mite think tt i'm very extra... and it's true, if u dun like me so be it! do i look like i care? hahah!!!!
i cried...bcos...becos...so many things, u r not me u wont noe... partly becos of my state of mind...becos today is farewell and also becos i am questional abt my postion in ppl's heart! ahaha...dunno why, but i always wonder how impt i am to others. I think there are many ppl out there who r impt to me... YMCA the bowlers, my classmates whom i used to be closed to.... but i really wonder how impt am i to them? i haf an apt description for my presence. I'm like the tissue paper...or even toilet paper...cos ppl cant live without me... and they stain and wet me when they used me... and at the end of it, they wld flush me down the toilet or chuck me aside! But think abt it, how can they survive without me?!haha

I made a video for MAY, hmmm, i spent 7 hrs at it... and i was touched by the video. i dunno how much it meant for them but for me...i think it's beyond description. How many of us out there wld spent so much time b4 exams doing a 5 min clip? hahah, but i did. It's a bit crazy rite? but i still did... cos firstly i wanted to do something special for my frens, words are beyond description for my feelings for them, and also, i want to make something memorable for myself, i felt really proud of it aft i finished it. I dunno if they really like it. But i like it myself, cos i think i touched my own heart cos during the process i cried 4 times...hahaha, well, i told u i am emotional rite?

Come to think of it, i think recently i had this realisation of myself, just found out tt i no longer tell others how i really feel...including lishan, YMA and the other bowlers... i noe i haf told some of u some stuffs, but, they are just wat tt has happened, not the complete stories, and i no longer say how i really feel... perhaps it's a sign of maturity or even ageing. But to me, i just missed the Cecilia in the past who can whine and complain abt anything under the sun...hahah!

And my last words....actually of all the frens i haf, whether they are acquaintances or watsoever, i treasure u for who u are and i do mean it. Just tt being a greedy person, i am still in the search for another Cecilia, is that a sign or narcissm? I think i still make the best fren for myself!!!

10:28 PM
alone* in the rain;