cEciLia*

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Read meiqin's blog just now, she complimented me. Thanks :)
I can't be an angel, cos i am too heavy to fly! ahha

Hmm, actually i noe wat i'm looking for, i'm actually searching for a guiding angel like myself who will look after me and one whom i can rely on, understands me too!
So far, i've yet found any at least in tj, as usual, or else i wldnt be feeling so empty. I noe ppl like yc and mq will start bombarding my tagboard say tt they appreciate me for who i am... but as usual being a really ultimate greedy asshole. I expect more than just mere words on the tagboard or asking me...r u ok? obviously! duh?! NO WAY! this is so not me! ahahahah, i haf my character which is strong and steadfast! nEEd not depend on anyone else tt much other than self consolation!

Others who do not understand wat is self consolation, let me elaborate...
That is, by telling and psychoing urself tt watever is bad is actually gd! Like when ppl say i am fat, then i will tell myself that well, cos i haf the goodwill to eat and drink heartily. Like when my results are real bad, tell myself tt it's perfectly alrite, cos there's a fall b4 u can get up again! ahah. And if i'm feeling sad abt relationships, family, or frens, i will tell myself, tt hey! i am not lonely cos at least i think of others and eventho others mite not think of me, show concern or watsoever, i'll tell myself, tt cecilia, u r empowered to handle all these probs singlehandedly cos aft all, ur guiding angel is urself, and only faith in urself can pull u thru!

well, aft all, i think tt sometimes, i shd be contented wif wat i haf, cos at the v least, i noe my mummy (learnt fr yc) loves me for who i am and is really proud to haf me ard! ahah, and my kor kok, he is caring? eh, at least i can share my thots wif him, unlike other ppl. So sometimes i feel tt, eventho my wish is to get married young and haf 4 kids...prob not gg to be hitched so soon, i think at least i haf a reasonable grp of frens, whom i noe i can always call upon, and a family who will listen to me, even my bing ge will too! ahha i am quite lucky la!

Recalling, i think my best fren is still lishan...cos u can nv imagine her sacrifices for me... haha, i rmb last yr when i was pushed to hand in the design for grad nite ticket, i was desperate. So i seeked help frm her at 1030pm on a friday nite aft her jap class, and guess wat, she had computing coursework to hand up the next morning, and i stayed at her place till 1am b4 she cld start on her work. And tt nite, she slept at 4am... well, how many frens do u haf who is willing to lend u a helping hand in times of crises while she has her own matters to attend to? But sadly, the design was once again rejected...dunno why oso, but well, i still appreciate her helping hand then. will nv forget wat she did for me!

Maybe becos of lishan, i haf high expectations for gd frens, i expect them to really liang lei cha dao, to stay up, to hear me whine to listen to me.... to allow me to pinch them when i'm angry wif someone else, to wake up in the middle of the nite to reply my stupid sms and to put down her study timetable the day b4 exams...hahah, tt's like asking the impossble rite? Well, i think i'll nv be able to find someone like tt... but think again...do i do such stupids things sometimes too? hahah, sometimes...occasionally la, at the end of the session i feel damn gd, cos i noe i haf put in my heart and soul into this frendship! So if anyone who is reading my blog now, u shd understand why i nv tell u my deepest feelings, neither do i trust u as much as u wish i wld! cos u r not up to the standard yet!!! ahahahha, if u want me to share and open up, or to haf faith in u, be prepared to lose slp, to lose study time for me! me! me! If not too bad! cos u will nv be my guiding angel. After all, who wants to be cecilia's angel???hahaaha the answer is.... i dun bother!!! ahhahaahaha...oops hee, too much rubbish hor? heh

8:47 PM
alone* in the rain;