10:09 PM
alone* in the rain;
i went to buy sweets today! But why this kind of simple thing also want to blog?
it's not tt i haf nothing else to say but i realised the way tt i bought sweets corresponds to my personality!
in total i went to 5 places to find a sweet tt i haf been craving for, and spent 1 hour on a saturday morning just to look for the sweet!
Wat does this tell of my character?
Firstly, i only wanted to buy juicefuls, so i went to NTUC which was where i bought it last week, but then they nv sell it anymore, so i just cant keep lying down, i must find it....as if i am very perservering hor?! ahha, then i went to another NTUC to find out tt they dun haf it there too, so i just settled wif cranberries and nimm which was disgusting...this shows tt i am someone who wld settle wif something similar, when i am left wif no choice. And then wif 2 dollars left, my only hope for the day, i went to 7-11 to try my luck lo, and finally i found it. BUt thinking back, if i hadnt spent my other 3 bucks on cranberries and nimm, i cld haf bought 6 bars of juicefuls instead of 2 now...isnt tt sad?!
but how exactly does this show my character? U see rite, the sweet is like something tt i want to do or someone tt i like. And searching for it high and low is wat i wld do when i want it, this shows tt i haf the determination to fight. However, when i am tired, i wld just settle down for a similar item like nimm altho i may not haf tried it b4, but it sucks! ahah, this shows tt if something/someone comes to me while i am drowning, i wld hold on to tt thing/person. Next is tt, i wldn't spent all my money/time on smth tt is not my ultimate aim(juiceful) cos i wld like to save some energy to ensure tt if one day i were to find the thing/person tt i really like, i still have the means to get it.
Does this remind u of urself? At least tt's wat i wld do and haf done... ahha
10:15 AM
alone* in the rain;
Read meiqin's blog just now, she complimented me. Thanks :)
I can't be an angel, cos i am too heavy to fly! ahha
Hmm, actually i noe wat i'm looking for, i'm actually searching for a guiding angel like myself who will look after me and one whom i can rely on, understands me too!
So far, i've yet found any at least in tj, as usual, or else i wldnt be feeling so empty. I noe ppl like yc and mq will start bombarding my tagboard say tt they appreciate me for who i am... but as usual being a really ultimate greedy asshole. I expect more than just mere words on the tagboard or asking me...r u ok? obviously! duh?! NO WAY! this is so not me! ahahahah, i haf my character which is strong and steadfast! nEEd not depend on anyone else tt much other than self consolation!
Others who do not understand wat is self consolation, let me elaborate...
That is, by telling and psychoing urself tt watever is bad is actually gd! Like when ppl say i am fat, then i will tell myself that well, cos i haf the goodwill to eat and drink heartily. Like when my results are real bad, tell myself tt it's perfectly alrite, cos there's a fall b4 u can get up again! ahah. And if i'm feeling sad abt relationships, family, or frens, i will tell myself, tt hey! i am not lonely cos at least i think of others and eventho others mite not think of me, show concern or watsoever, i'll tell myself, tt cecilia, u r empowered to handle all these probs singlehandedly cos aft all, ur guiding angel is urself, and only faith in urself can pull u thru!
well, aft all, i think tt sometimes, i shd be contented wif wat i haf, cos at the v least, i noe my mummy (learnt fr yc) loves me for who i am and is really proud to haf me ard! ahah, and my kor kok, he is caring? eh, at least i can share my thots wif him, unlike other ppl. So sometimes i feel tt, eventho my wish is to get married young and haf 4 kids...prob not gg to be hitched so soon, i think at least i haf a reasonable grp of frens, whom i noe i can always call upon, and a family who will listen to me, even my bing ge will too! ahha i am quite lucky la!
Recalling, i think my best fren is still lishan...cos u can nv imagine her sacrifices for me... haha, i rmb last yr when i was pushed to hand in the design for grad nite ticket, i was desperate. So i seeked help frm her at 1030pm on a friday nite aft her jap class, and guess wat, she had computing coursework to hand up the next morning, and i stayed at her place till 1am b4 she cld start on her work. And tt nite, she slept at 4am... well, how many frens do u haf who is willing to lend u a helping hand in times of crises while she has her own matters to attend to? But sadly, the design was once again rejected...dunno why oso, but well, i still appreciate her helping hand then. will nv forget wat she did for me!
Maybe becos of lishan, i haf high expectations for gd frens, i expect them to really liang lei cha dao, to stay up, to hear me whine to listen to me.... to allow me to pinch them when i'm angry wif someone else, to wake up in the middle of the nite to reply my stupid sms and to put down her study timetable the day b4 exams...hahah, tt's like asking the impossble rite? Well, i think i'll nv be able to find someone like tt... but think again...do i do such stupids things sometimes too? hahah, sometimes...occasionally la, at the end of the session i feel damn gd, cos i noe i haf put in my heart and soul into this frendship! So if anyone who is reading my blog now, u shd understand why i nv tell u my deepest feelings, neither do i trust u as much as u wish i wld! cos u r not up to the standard yet!!! ahahahha, if u want me to share and open up, or to haf faith in u, be prepared to lose slp, to lose study time for me! me! me! If not too bad! cos u will nv be my guiding angel. After all, who wants to be cecilia's angel???hahaaha the answer is.... i dun bother!!! ahhahaahaha...oops hee, too much rubbish hor? heh
8:47 PM
alone* in the rain;
Today's the farewell day of my life in TJ... mixed feelings
cos too many thots and feelings came to me, shall not elaborate on everything but wld like to just highlight how i felt;)
went to cut hair today wif yc, initially she din want to cut hair de, but she got dragged along by the hairdresser to cut lo, and it's very diff frm her usual. i think it's quite nice, wldnt say it's very nice cos i think she dun really like it. I used to rmb tt my pri sch teacher once said tt our hair are worries, cos san qian fan nao si wat... and tot tt by cutting hair will reduce my worries. In fact it's not tt true lor...hahahha, pian wo!
The hairdresser whom i need to mention is tt she looks like yc abit...cos she is a mixed blood and as u noe, yc has distinct features! but in fact wat made me rmb her is not her looks but wat she said...i think she is educational...but somehow in the wrong way at the wrong time... shall not elaborate on wat she said, but as she said, i was looking at yc's reflection in the mirror, cld sense tt she's affected. Well, yc if u r reading, i can assure u tt u r lucky tt u aren't wat she said, cos eventho now wat u can see is all these, but u'll probably not noe how ur parents feel even at the end of the day. I can tell u tt it's best for one to look on the bright side, esp when it comes to family, cos one cannot opt for his/her family but one can choose the frens they wanna hang out wif! Dun get affected!
Lunch, hmm not bad i saved quite alot of money today, cos i skipped lunch. Not exactly on purpose, but well cos i was late for the class lunch as i went for sports appreciation. The attendance is pathetic and they nv put the bowling pic into the video!!! so angry!$(@&@^$*^@
But it's ok, like wat glenda say, if they put my pic it will scare the who audi! ok lor, i get ur pt, noe i am ugly and scary!!! but i'm not tt bad looking in pics than in real life wat! As for yc and MQ who kept saying tt they feel bad abt the lunch...eh no need la, u all shd feel happy for me, cos i think this wk i shd be able to lose 1kg! ahah! Actually i think i noe i'm some sort of neglected, but i dun like to feel this way cos i've grown out of tt period of jealousy petty anger! ahaha!!!
i noe i'm longwinded but i shall write on...
i cried today...hahah, and i'm the only one who did in my class i think... yes i am always this emotional... i usually feel more than others do... hahaha, dun wish to explain why too;) i noe tt some ppl mite think tt i'm very extra... and it's true, if u dun like me so be it! do i look like i care? hahah!!!!
i cried...bcos...becos...so many things, u r not me u wont noe... partly becos of my state of mind...becos today is farewell and also becos i am questional abt my postion in ppl's heart! ahaha...dunno why, but i always wonder how impt i am to others. I think there are many ppl out there who r impt to me... YMCA the bowlers, my classmates whom i used to be closed to.... but i really wonder how impt am i to them? i haf an apt description for my presence. I'm like the tissue paper...or even toilet paper...cos ppl cant live without me... and they stain and wet me when they used me... and at the end of it, they wld flush me down the toilet or chuck me aside! But think abt it, how can they survive without me?!haha
I made a video for MAY, hmmm, i spent 7 hrs at it... and i was touched by the video. i dunno how much it meant for them but for me...i think it's beyond description. How many of us out there wld spent so much time b4 exams doing a 5 min clip? hahah, but i did. It's a bit crazy rite? but i still did... cos firstly i wanted to do something special for my frens, words are beyond description for my feelings for them, and also, i want to make something memorable for myself, i felt really proud of it aft i finished it. I dunno if they really like it. But i like it myself, cos i think i touched my own heart cos during the process i cried 4 times...hahaha, well, i told u i am emotional rite?
Come to think of it, i think recently i had this realisation of myself, just found out tt i no longer tell others how i really feel...including lishan, YMA and the other bowlers... i noe i haf told some of u some stuffs, but, they are just wat tt has happened, not the complete stories, and i no longer say how i really feel... perhaps it's a sign of maturity or even ageing. But to me, i just missed the Cecilia in the past who can whine and complain abt anything under the sun...hahah!
And my last words....actually of all the frens i haf, whether they are acquaintances or watsoever, i treasure u for who u are and i do mean it. Just tt being a greedy person, i am still in the search for another Cecilia, is that a sign or narcissm? I think i still make the best fren for myself!!!
10:28 PM
alone* in the rain;
just read meiqin's blog...
think she is v v unhappy wif council and tj...
so sad, i thot council was initially to build up our experiences and teach us life lessons...but sadly, why does it always end up to be sadness and anger. Actually i used to dislike council..cos of the click and alot of unfair treatment... then i thot maybe it's just myself tt i feel council can be sucky...but i feel the things tt i haf learnt are indeed valuable. How many ppl will haf the chance to organise a grand event at the age of 17 18 for like the whole school??? who wld be so trusted by their peers to do all these. True enuff, tt's why we needed elections and stuffs, cos we r aft all just amateurs, and it's quite unbelieveable to entrust us wif so many things rite? I thank those who gave me the chance to do things i like:)
In fact the sad part or the angry part is tt, there are bound to haf ppl who are less open minded and more selfish in every organisation... and the only thing tt we can do is to be accomodating and responsible for the things tt we r appointed to do... since i am not a committee member, i haf nothing to say, cos i dunno how things wld turn out to be if i were to be talking to SCTAs all the time, maybe i will also hate it and not just be like myself anymore...
9:05 AM
alone* in the rain;
it's open hse ytd, and guess wat ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh i think i was just excited as all the yr1s and sec4s.. oh my gosh!!! u noe why? cos i had to help out wif the econ booth and also the bowling booth, honestly nothing much wif bowling booth...but i still am proud tt i am in TJ bowling...yeah!
hahaha, i met 2 juniors who are coming in thru direct school's admission, billy and wei'an..haahha wah, i think i am so super excited... cos i am glad to see billy yeah, he's maris bowling capt, coming tj next yr to play for us, he looks quite promising, but the attractive part is not tt he is promising... but he is tall and flat, with a sincere look...hahah, i dun think this sound complimenting, but i think it's my impression of him la:) ahahha, my junior leh...so happy!!! ahaaah, i haf a not bad looking junior now! ahaaaha, wah i cannot take it alr... i think i am crazy..yes, definitely!
Plus!!! the most interesting thing of the day is not abt my cute bowling jr...but MARK CHAY!!!!! ahhaha, cos i took a picture wif him and also had a small talk wif him...man, he is so cute....hahhaha shan't tell u the details, i must keep it to myself ;)
8:36 AM
alone* in the rain;
How gd are u at certain things?
Beginner, mediocre, average, professional or expert?
Well wat r u then?
Hmm, haf u wondered wat u r gd at and wat others are gd at that u r envy them abt? I believe that if u were to rmb and jot down the areas which u want to develop ur skills in, ie the aspect which u r not tat pro at, and working towards it by learning frm experiences, i am sure u can do it too!!!
My 22 yr old cousin said tt i made her feel guilty,cos she thinks tt she's more childish than i am in terms of mentality, not the 38 self tt i usually portray myself as. My aunt who said tt how she wish that her children are as mature as me, knows what they want and work towards their goal...but how gd is being mature?? it really depends on the situation. So far, i haf yet found the ultimate place which i can shine in. But i always uphold this belief, Shin Nen, that so long as one continues to thrive and not admit defeat, he/she will ultimately carve a niche for himself/herself.
Meanwhile, patience is a virtue ;)
3:56 PM
alone* in the rain;
Hmmm, dunno why but recently ppl say i more mature liao. I haf always been mature for my age k...eversince i was a toddler...hahaha:)
But the pt is tt perhaps i feel tt there are many more things in life to embrace than to feel sad abt or to qiang qiu. Like wat cat and yc always say, how come no guys like us....blah blah blah... ya ya ya, tt's rite. It's quite sad or pathetic to haf no one to woo u, to admire u etc... but i feel tt relationships cant be rushed... if it's urs it will come to u eventually, just like stairway to heaven whereby chengjun ge used the theory of the boomerang to show jingshu tt love will eventually return. It's the same for us in real life, if ur love is fated to come it will, no pt complaining and feeling upset tt u dun haf a guy in ur life...
So why am i not worried? Aiya, at most dun get married only mah...they dun want me then dun want me lor... i think ah, think only tt i haf my means to support myself, and spiritual fulfilment is more impt than physical fulfilment. And having frens beside u is more impt and more fulfilling than having a lover...i guess, maybe cos i can treat them like a luxury gd, not a necessity.hahah:)
i am crazy~ I want to be nun, no guys allowed ahahhaa...dun haf anymore sex drive...hohoho
10:42 AM
alone* in the rain;
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