Cecilia Xiao's Diary

humans' contradiction

2007-04-28T10:28:00.000+08:00

i jus dun get it.
Why is mankind so contradicting?? On one hand they want this on the other they want that.
Or is it tt they are greedy, maybe jus that they cant make up their mind...nah heck it.
i will try my best to be less contradicting :)

definition of true happiness

2007-03-28T03:29:00.000+08:00

wat's ur definition of true happiness?

Daryl asked me this qn...which took me less than 1 min to answer, that is reading a book and get inspired, crying non-stop after that. I have no idea why i said so... but i must say, i hardly read, so to me its really rare tt i read, and then cry abt a book. gosh, its really hard to achieve. So is it true happiness?

Wat's true happiness to most?
Earn big bucks? Getting a new LV wallet?
To me, its probably when u attain peace. PEace is achieved when u noe tt u gonna rest ur mind and not ponder over something or anything. When nothing happens, u attain peace.
I went after peace... Seeking for God's help. HE moved me. I am proud to say tt i m a christian. I am, cos i believed in GOD.

Do i ever believe in myself?
i do.... i believe tt i can overcome certain things. U?
IN life, no matter how much confidence we have, it needs to be reinforced by others. knowing that there'll be this group of frens/family tt will always be beside u! IT's most important remember! :)

I love u, and hope u love me too.

i tried

2007-03-08T23:43:00.000+08:00

SOmetimes i wish i could have a chance to say all the things i wanted to...

"I really meant wat i said, for every word that i've promised, for everything tt i do, i do it for a reason...governed by my heart and soul...tho sometimes actions do not act as they were meant to be.... trust me for every word i said. I endured, i suffered, i joked, smiled and laughed... Tears were meant to roll, in times of happiness, in times of sadness... having u is a blessing for me, i wondered if i ever told u b4, really, it's a miracle that one meets another in the world's 6 billion population, but i did... it's fate, it's heaven's will. I will not deny. Packaging things is my forte... but i never knew how to package myself in front of you... i lost my ability to impress, ability to shine... and my confidence falls greatly. It hurts to be dejected... to not able to express...not able to say a word that i wanted to. My chance never came.

IF u thot that u were jus another... i cannot deny totally...maybe u were but u were different, i mean it. THe very idea tt i wanted to put in feelings and embark on something which i had long lost faith in was already a big step to take...especially it's without insurance, for someone like u. My life resembles a drama, urs a football game. When ours intersect, we wished that triumph would be for both of us... no one wants to lose, no one plans to fail. Had i been wiser... maybe things would have been better. I gave my life to God, i know he would give me wat i deserve. Perhaps someone like u, blessed with everything one could wish for is jus not meant to be... a transient feeling appeared and disappeared before we could anticipate... After all, we started out with the wrong move, who are we to decide? But our Heavenly Father.

Had i disappointed u? Or was ur expression jus working me up... i chose not to take it hard, not to pursue another reason why... i hate it... i aint a rock, i m still human. Has it ever come across to u tt i am also born a child of my parents? I am the beloved child of God like u? Never...was i treasured, never was i being regarded on the same platform as u... i never yearned for that position, cos i believe wat is mine would be mine eventually, still i wanted the attention, the time and lil sacrifices and simple expectations that one could have. But i jus cannot understand... i cannot apprehend the sense of loss, sense of insecurity, sense of transparency... u robbed it from me...i hadnt ask for repayment... the tears i've shed for myself for u... i rather not remember, ur promises... ur kindness shall be a form of rememberance. I will grow to be a better and stronger girl. I promise. Till then, take care... n i have to tell u, u did impact me really."

worries

2006-12-14T21:05:00.000+08:00

i am afraid that i might fall in love with someone that i might not love...
Weakness makes one susceptible to pitfalls, i am worried that i might not be strong enough to overcome this attraction. I dun wanna be so useless... i want to face it strongly and find the right person eventually.

significant things in life

2006-11-28T15:57:00.000+08:00

a wish come true...
how many of us haf wishes come true?
Today i met someone of my dreams...he is tall dark and handsome..no more an indian

My everdearest masha, i bet i will nv see him again in my life.... if i even go to japan, i think he wld haf gone out of showbiz.

HE is the man who probably influenced me so much. Watching his shows, his performance on concerts, his songs, his emotions. I felt he was the 2nd guy whom i understood.
HE is wonderful, handsome, talented marvellous! i loved him... no one could beat him ever.
he taught me happiness, possession... and my interest in photography. Perhaps the only interest which i picked up frm his strings of talents. TTs why i am a sucker for photographers!

Believe me, if 1 day u ever meet someone that could make u feel fulfilled in ur life...make u understand how he is like, allowing u to love him as much as possible... one that comes to life-real life, treasure him. Embrace the moment. Seize the chance... I did, and i felt really happy, a girl who is willing to see him as who he is.... understand him and love him unconditionally.... i mean it... i_luv_masha... so much so tt my love is transferred over to someone who resembled him so much... if u were to ask me who...

Ivan, one whom i was so enthralled in when i saw him, the first time i understood how it feels like to be a girl and like a guy... wahha, he was 31 when i was only 12. Crazy isnt it. i tot so.
But today, not only i saw someone who reminded me so much abt masha, but someone who resembled ivan too... SEAN TAN. Thank you. :)

Life is very fragile

2006-11-17T22:33:00.000+08:00

Ziyang's grandfather passed away... so did meepok uncle... and siying's father....
why did we got all ecstatic abt last office? isnt it quite sadistic...
I dun noe how i am gonna face death in my face one day, will i be cold and unfeeling or would i be extremely emotional?

I do not know, seriously...

be truthful to ur own feelings

2006-10-29T11:20:00.000+08:00

am i a frank person?

i think most frens will say tt i am blunt... but truth is, true on the surface but deep within me, there are many other things which mattered so much tt i dun want to be hurt.

Cynthia asked me how can she break up wif her bf? I suggested, tell him tt u nid a break, for 1 mth... then tell him aft a mth tt u nid a clean break. Easy and simple, clear cut lo... Why do i say tt? it's cos i feel tt if the 2 of u are not suitable then let it be over, why drag into something which both of u haf to hold responsibility in future if all these carries on... honestly in my opinion, i rather not start a relationship then to start and end it abruptly

Daniel is melancholic...all the dans i noe are melancholic, pang and koh alike
i find it rather unusual tt a guy 26 who feels so strongly abt his family. Makes him a gd husband one day. But i am not saying it for myself, cos honestly i dun deserve such gd guy. i m not an angel. My exp in fam tells me tt its easily to leave it aside and take it wif a pinch of salt... not telling u to not care or not show any concern but its actually better if u can move on... aft all its not easy to accept all the hard facts in life. I choose to forgive and forget.

if only amnesia happens to me

2006-10-29T11:10:00.000+08:00

there are so many things in life tt happened and pass over... but there are certain memories which stays in u every moment of ur life...to the extent tt u find it hard to forget abt it, and the more u think they harder u find it to not step into the whirlpool of memories

i nid to move on, really... tt is why i chose to clear up my thots, i nid some sort of motivation and new experiences which can make me temporarily or permanently put my memory in the old bank of my brain. But wat its said is not tt easy to be fulfilled. Life after all is abt experiencing the gd and bad.

He is unforgettable. so much so tt it pains me all the time when i mention him to my frens, when i recalled all the times and the things he said to me, wif so much kindness... but i noe its over, and i shd move on. HOw?! when u can nv in ur entire life meet someone who is jus as understanding, sweet and warm... how can i move on?

attachment at AH

2006-07-06T12:56:00.000+08:00

my stint 3

thanks to ivan....i managed to get into AH, do wat i wanted to, but cannot with events....haiz...abit disappointed, but i guess unless the whole place belongs to me, there is nothing i can do abt it!

its really quite demanding and tiring cos apparenly i am tasked to come up with like 3 suggestions a day...tt wld be so hard....moreover i am supposed to improvised on them...and follow up...gosh, one day i can start a shop!

some things cannot be helped

2006-07-03T23:26:00.000+08:00

don't u have some thoughts in life which u never had b4?
Well, perhaps i think too much....but u just can't help if things happen in ur orbit...and all u can do is to adapt and live with it.

LIfe is quite fragile dun u think so? It's easy to kill, like 3 mins without oxygen and u will suffer frm braindead.... just 1 percent of carbon monoxide can kill a person with much effort.
Wat's worst than death? Living a life like hell huh?!

For me, life isn't hell at all...instead i think i am rather blessed. To each his own, i think i have quite a good upbringing...in fact i think many of my frens ard me are blessed... but doesnt it ring u abit when u see something sad or face someone who isnt as fortunate as u?

Having a good life, blessed with good health and relatively intelligent brains gave me a better headstart than others... at least when compared with the less fortunate.
...One of my friend from MDAS just passed away...
My friend, tho i nv knew u for long, but ur strength and ability to live life to its fullest has given me so much encouragement. I knew u didn't leave us much unfulfilled, indeed, u haf done us proud, all ur contribution, ur liveliness and memories of u will always be with us. May u be at a better place, will miss u :) Live on with strength, tt provided us...

2006-05-29T02:19:00.000+08:00

now i noe wat it means by not treasuring the person right before your eyes....

i will treasure him...i promise i will... have faith in me ok?
wish me luck man....to change wat is not my fault is not within my control. but i can only say...i will try my very best, cos i haf found the one... really

this is crazy

2006-05-27T14:45:00.000+08:00

i think alcohol is a scary tool....
Better think before u drink or don't do an ridiculous things after drinking...esp after a heavy drinking session.

i can't imagine why some pp can drink so much and become so drunk...and when they are drunk they dunno wat they were doing... sometimes alcohol can make a person say the truth...it helps if that person was lacking in courage... and does not noe how to express their views and thots. and alcohol can put a clearminded on a scary stage... one that wld mean tt he/she wld be suceptible to various animosity.

i think i can see the difference between a jerk and one who isnt.... i guess i am living in a varied world of friends.

bowling is the cure~

2006-05-09T18:35:00.000+08:00

Bowling cures all illnesses.
Just bowled 10 games in a row today---marvellous results, not bad wat, my average is still there aft not bowling for 1 yr! Heh heh, best part is, size does matter.... Alym jus said tt it's my size tt makes me look like i am older....maybe and most prob. But, size does matter in bowling too...uncle michael says tt i shd cont in bowling and be like glenda...and so did the trainer at tamp safra and also Jeffrey quek, the new coach i met at tamp safra... apparently they all think tt my size is super gd for bowling... well, they wanna invest their time in me...but i haf none for them...no money no time=cannot be a professional bowler! well, nvm la, think tt life has got more things than jus bowling or a single sport. Maybe i shd consider participating in leagues first :)

my time with the boys 1

2006-04-27T09:42:00.000+08:00

this entry seems really backdated, but still, i wld like to share with u how it feels to teach in VS :)

Obviously, this school is the best i have been to so far, tho it isnt as happening as manjusri, but i think it's the "additional matters" that gave me a very deep impression on VS so far. It's quite sad tt i have alr completed like half of my contract, hmm, i am counting the number of days left for my existence in this school... as of today, i only haf 20 days left. So sad isnt it? And i havent got to know all my boys before my teaching ends next week when their exams start... i am sad :(

Used to think tt i wont not be so emotionally attached to my boys, but somehow as time goes by, u will feel like one of them, u will want to noe more abt their lives, u want to be part of their activities, u will start to LOVE them!

I always feel horrible when i scold my boys, like my 3I and 2J darlings, they are so sweeet, i mean, i noe some of u might be reading it now, but still dun get too bigheaded k?! I nv wanted to be mean, but i have to, cos tt's how a teacher shd behave isnt it? and i think u will appreciate a fierce teacher more than one who is v slack with u at the end of the day. Cos u want to learn tt;s why u r in VS rite?

it breaks my heart when u say tt u hate me.... sob... i really almost cried...but i wont cry in front of u...cos i promised not to cry anymore... at least for now, and DO NOT ATTEMPT to make me cry K! be nice la!

my first day of work

2005-11-22T01:18:00.000+08:00

today's my first day of work....

guess why am i still awake at this time...cos i am still sending emails out at this time! aahah
long working hrs....and working environment and intense pressure plus a v low pay for the work tt i am doin.....honestly!

Hmm, shall not say abt the details to why i am doin this job...but i can only say tt if i haf a choice i wld do smth else instead...but as usual, i dun....
guess why???

haha, cannot be too obvious with the reason...but i can only say it's complicated...i really do not haf much choice.... I was sorta threaten...a psychological threat!
Well, it wld be no surrise tt many of u will not understand the reason... dun worry, u r normal... cos u r not cecilia xiao ya? hahah, but the reason is quite heartwrenching i must admit....at least to me... cos well, i am afterall someone who thinks more than others....

honestly, i am not at all happy tat exams haf ended.
Cos i haf to work, and it is not a job which i am happy wif...i dun wanna do this job, honestly!
I want to work in a hotel. I wanna do PR stuff, i wanna do service line.
But now i haf got to do everything under the sun!

Quit lor!!!
I can't! Cos it matters everything....it concerns my entire family wellbeing, not tt they rely on me but i wld be playing the role of a mediator.... cos...it's just a long story which has got to do wif what i noe, and wat my mum doesnt noe and i dun intend to tell her the truth. But, watever it is, i hope i will get adjusted quickly and get on wif life this way!

bowling camp

2005-11-20T12:29:00.000+08:00

bowling camp is super fun!!! aahaha
lame jokes!
if u see me, i will tell u more of the lame jokes....wat's ten + ten + ten+ ten???
hahahahahha i won amazing race!

disgust

2005-11-10T17:20:00.000+08:00

i believe everyone shd be studying rite now.... cos tmr is gp paper...altho i tink it's really tough, but i dunno how i shd handle this, cos i am just so devastated wif my maths and chem....

i am dead, think i mite fail, if not i mite do really badly.... dun think i will get As or Bs anymore...this is so disappointing!

well, but wat is more scary is tt 5 ppl tested HIV positive donated blood....
OMG so gross!!! i am so sick by wat they did can!!!
Plus, channel news asia announced tt of the 5, 2 are NS men, who donated blood in the mobile blood drive in pasir lebar camp! OMG, i am feeling scared now...cos i went there for national camp b4 leh..... oh man....so sick!!!!! stay away frm them....yucks!
They are young but gross, heard frm min tt they are gays....omg!

too bad, i got nothing to say abt A levels...cos it;s just simply beyond words! so hard

i love u!!!

2005-10-28T22:09:00.000+08:00

Hahha!!
ANNEeee!! i love u!!!
Ma Kok!!! i love u too!!!

well, i am starting to feel abit of mother love here!!! Muack!
dun tell u why!!! ahah
ok la, cos she sent me sms...for the first time in her life!!! so touched!!!

and also, hubert initiated a conversation wif me leh!!! hahah yc u jealous mah????

buying sweets

2005-10-22T10:15:00.000+08:00

i went to buy sweets today! But why this kind of simple thing also want to blog?
it's not tt i haf nothing else to say but i realised the way tt i bought sweets corresponds to my personality!

in total i went to 5 places to find a sweet tt i haf been craving for, and spent 1 hour on a saturday morning just to look for the sweet!

Wat does this tell of my character?
Firstly, i only wanted to buy juicefuls, so i went to NTUC which was where i bought it last week, but then they nv sell it anymore, so i just cant keep lying down, i must find it....as if i am very perservering hor?! ahha, then i went to another NTUC to find out tt they dun haf it there too, so i just settled wif cranberries and nimm which was disgusting...this shows tt i am someone who wld settle wif something similar, when i am left wif no choice. And then wif 2 dollars left, my only hope for the day, i went to 7-11 to try my luck lo, and finally i found it. BUt thinking back, if i hadnt spent my other 3 bucks on cranberries and nimm, i cld haf bought 6 bars of juicefuls instead of 2 now...isnt tt sad?!

but how exactly does this show my character? U see rite, the sweet is like something tt i want to do or someone tt i like. And searching for it high and low is wat i wld do when i want it, this shows tt i haf the determination to fight. However, when i am tired, i wld just settle down for a similar item like nimm altho i may not haf tried it b4, but it sucks! ahah, this shows tt if something/someone comes to me while i am drowning, i wld hold on to tt thing/person. Next is tt, i wldn't spent all my money/time on smth tt is not my ultimate aim(juiceful) cos i wld like to save some energy to ensure tt if one day i were to find the thing/person tt i really like, i still have the means to get it.

Does this remind u of urself? At least tt's wat i wld do and haf done... ahha

realisation

2005-10-19T20:47:00.000+08:00

Read meiqin's blog just now, she complimented me. Thanks :)
I can't be an angel, cos i am too heavy to fly! ahha

Hmm, actually i noe wat i'm looking for, i'm actually searching for a guiding angel like myself who will look after me and one whom i can rely on, understands me too!
So far, i've yet found any at least in tj, as usual, or else i wldnt be feeling so empty. I noe ppl like yc and mq will start bombarding my tagboard say tt they appreciate me for who i am... but as usual being a really ultimate greedy asshole. I expect more than just mere words on the tagboard or asking me...r u ok? obviously! duh?! NO WAY! this is so not me! ahahahah, i haf my character which is strong and steadfast! nEEd not depend on anyone else tt much other than self consolation!

Others who do not understand wat is self consolation, let me elaborate...
That is, by telling and psychoing urself tt watever is bad is actually gd! Like when ppl say i am fat, then i will tell myself that well, cos i haf the goodwill to eat and drink heartily. Like when my results are real bad, tell myself tt it's perfectly alrite, cos there's a fall b4 u can get up again! ahah. And if i'm feeling sad abt relationships, family, or frens, i will tell myself, tt hey! i am not lonely cos at least i think of others and eventho others mite not think of me, show concern or watsoever, i'll tell myself, tt cecilia, u r empowered to handle all these probs singlehandedly cos aft all, ur guiding angel is urself, and only faith in urself can pull u thru!

well, aft all, i think tt sometimes, i shd be contented wif wat i haf, cos at the v least, i noe my mummy (learnt fr yc) loves me for who i am and is really proud to haf me ard! ahah, and my kor kok, he is caring? eh, at least i can share my thots wif him, unlike other ppl. So sometimes i feel tt, eventho my wish is to get married young and haf 4 kids...prob not gg to be hitched so soon, i think at least i haf a reasonable grp of frens, whom i noe i can always call upon, and a family who will listen to me, even my bing ge will too! ahha i am quite lucky la!

Recalling, i think my best fren is still lishan...cos u can nv imagine her sacrifices for me... haha, i rmb last yr when i was pushed to hand in the design for grad nite ticket, i was desperate. So i seeked help frm her at 1030pm on a friday nite aft her jap class, and guess wat, she had computing coursework to hand up the next morning, and i stayed at her place till 1am b4 she cld start on her work. And tt nite, she slept at 4am... well, how many frens do u haf who is willing to lend u a helping hand in times of crises while she has her own matters to attend to? But sadly, the design was once again rejected...dunno why oso, but well, i still appreciate her helping hand then. will nv forget wat she did for me!

Maybe becos of lishan, i haf high expectations for gd frens, i expect them to really liang lei cha dao, to stay up, to hear me whine to listen to me.... to allow me to pinch them when i'm angry wif someone else, to wake up in the middle of the nite to reply my stupid sms and to put down her study timetable the day b4 exams...hahah, tt's like asking the impossble rite? Well, i think i'll nv be able to find someone like tt... but think again...do i do such stupids things sometimes too? hahah, sometimes...occasionally la, at the end of the session i feel damn gd, cos i noe i haf put in my heart and soul into this frendship! So if anyone who is reading my blog now, u shd understand why i nv tell u my deepest feelings, neither do i trust u as much as u wish i wld! cos u r not up to the standard yet!!! ahahahha, if u want me to share and open up, or to haf faith in u, be prepared to lose slp, to lose study time for me! me! me! If not too bad! cos u will nv be my guiding angel. After all, who wants to be cecilia's angel???hahaaha the answer is.... i dun bother!!! ahhahaahaha...oops hee, too much rubbish hor? heh

thanks!

2005-10-18T22:28:00.000+08:00

Today's the farewell day of my life in TJ... mixed feelings

cos too many thots and feelings came to me, shall not elaborate on everything but wld like to just highlight how i felt;)

went to cut hair today wif yc, initially she din want to cut hair de, but she got dragged along by the hairdresser to cut lo, and it's very diff frm her usual. i think it's quite nice, wldnt say it's very nice cos i think she dun really like it. I used to rmb tt my pri sch teacher once said tt our hair are worries, cos san qian fan nao si wat... and tot tt by cutting hair will reduce my worries. In fact it's not tt true lor...hahahha, pian wo!
The hairdresser whom i need to mention is tt she looks like yc abit...cos she is a mixed blood and as u noe, yc has distinct features! but in fact wat made me rmb her is not her looks but wat she said...i think she is educational...but somehow in the wrong way at the wrong time... shall not elaborate on wat she said, but as she said, i was looking at yc's reflection in the mirror, cld sense tt she's affected. Well, yc if u r reading, i can assure u tt u r lucky tt u aren't wat she said, cos eventho now wat u can see is all these, but u'll probably not noe how ur parents feel even at the end of the day. I can tell u tt it's best for one to look on the bright side, esp when it comes to family, cos one cannot opt for his/her family but one can choose the frens they wanna hang out wif! Dun get affected!

Lunch, hmm not bad i saved quite alot of money today, cos i skipped lunch. Not exactly on purpose, but well cos i was late for the class lunch as i went for sports appreciation. The attendance is pathetic and they nv put the bowling pic into the video!!! so angry!$(@&@^$*^@
But it's ok, like wat glenda say, if they put my pic it will scare the who audi! ok lor, i get ur pt, noe i am ugly and scary!!! but i'm not tt bad looking in pics than in real life wat! As for yc and MQ who kept saying tt they feel bad abt the lunch...eh no need la, u all shd feel happy for me, cos i think this wk i shd be able to lose 1kg! ahah! Actually i think i noe i'm some sort of neglected, but i dun like to feel this way cos i've grown out of tt period of jealousy petty anger! ahaha!!!

i noe i'm longwinded but i shall write on...
i cried today...hahah, and i'm the only one who did in my class i think... yes i am always this emotional... i usually feel more than others do... hahaha, dun wish to explain why too;) i noe tt some ppl mite think tt i'm very extra... and it's true, if u dun like me so be it! do i look like i care? hahah!!!!
i cried...bcos...becos...so many things, u r not me u wont noe... partly becos of my state of mind...becos today is farewell and also becos i am questional abt my postion in ppl's heart! ahaha...dunno why, but i always wonder how impt i am to others. I think there are many ppl out there who r impt to me... YMCA the bowlers, my classmates whom i used to be closed to.... but i really wonder how impt am i to them? i haf an apt description for my presence. I'm like the tissue paper...or even toilet paper...cos ppl cant live without me... and they stain and wet me when they used me... and at the end of it, they wld flush me down the toilet or chuck me aside! But think abt it, how can they survive without me?!haha

I made a video for MAY, hmmm, i spent 7 hrs at it... and i was touched by the video. i dunno how much it meant for them but for me...i think it's beyond description. How many of us out there wld spent so much time b4 exams doing a 5 min clip? hahah, but i did. It's a bit crazy rite? but i still did... cos firstly i wanted to do something special for my frens, words are beyond description for my feelings for them, and also, i want to make something memorable for myself, i felt really proud of it aft i finished it. I dunno if they really like it. But i like it myself, cos i think i touched my own heart cos during the process i cried 4 times...hahaha, well, i told u i am emotional rite?

Come to think of it, i think recently i had this realisation of myself, just found out tt i no longer tell others how i really feel...including lishan, YMA and the other bowlers... i noe i haf told some of u some stuffs, but, they are just wat tt has happened, not the complete stories, and i no longer say how i really feel... perhaps it's a sign of maturity or even ageing. But to me, i just missed the Cecilia in the past who can whine and complain abt anything under the sun...hahah!

And my last words....actually of all the frens i haf, whether they are acquaintances or watsoever, i treasure u for who u are and i do mean it. Just tt being a greedy person, i am still in the search for another Cecilia, is that a sign or narcissm? I think i still make the best fren for myself!!!

pondering

2005-10-15T09:05:00.000+08:00

just read meiqin's blog...

think she is v v unhappy wif council and tj...
so sad, i thot council was initially to build up our experiences and teach us life lessons...but sadly, why does it always end up to be sadness and anger. Actually i used to dislike council..cos of the click and alot of unfair treatment... then i thot maybe it's just myself tt i feel council can be sucky...but i feel the things tt i haf learnt are indeed valuable. How many ppl will haf the chance to organise a grand event at the age of 17 18 for like the whole school??? who wld be so trusted by their peers to do all these. True enuff, tt's why we needed elections and stuffs, cos we r aft all just amateurs, and it's quite unbelieveable to entrust us wif so many things rite? I thank those who gave me the chance to do things i like:)

In fact the sad part or the angry part is tt, there are bound to haf ppl who are less open minded and more selfish in every organisation... and the only thing tt we can do is to be accomodating and responsible for the things tt we r appointed to do... since i am not a committee member, i haf nothing to say, cos i dunno how things wld turn out to be if i were to be talking to SCTAs all the time, maybe i will also hate it and not just be like myself anymore...

crazy

2005-10-15T08:36:00.000+08:00

it's open hse ytd, and guess wat ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh i think i was just excited as all the yr1s and sec4s.. oh my gosh!!! u noe why? cos i had to help out wif the econ booth and also the bowling booth, honestly nothing much wif bowling booth...but i still am proud tt i am in TJ bowling...yeah!

hahaha, i met 2 juniors who are coming in thru direct school's admission, billy and wei'an..haahha wah, i think i am so super excited... cos i am glad to see billy yeah, he's maris bowling capt, coming tj next yr to play for us, he looks quite promising, but the attractive part is not tt he is promising... but he is tall and flat, with a sincere look...hahah, i dun think this sound complimenting, but i think it's my impression of him la:) ahahha, my junior leh...so happy!!! ahaaah, i haf a not bad looking junior now! ahaaaha, wah i cannot take it alr... i think i am crazy..yes, definitely!

Plus!!! the most interesting thing of the day is not abt my cute bowling jr...but MARK CHAY!!!!! ahhaha, cos i took a picture wif him and also had a small talk wif him...man, he is so cute....hahhaha shan't tell u the details, i must keep it to myself ;)

how gd are u at this???

2005-10-10T15:56:00.000+08:00

How gd are u at certain things?

Beginner, mediocre, average, professional or expert?

Well wat r u then?

Hmm, haf u wondered wat u r gd at and wat others are gd at that u r envy them abt? I believe that if u were to rmb and jot down the areas which u want to develop ur skills in, ie the aspect which u r not tat pro at, and working towards it by learning frm experiences, i am sure u can do it too!!!

My 22 yr old cousin said tt i made her feel guilty,cos she thinks tt she's more childish than i am in terms of mentality, not the 38 self tt i usually portray myself as. My aunt who said tt how she wish that her children are as mature as me, knows what they want and work towards their goal...but how gd is being mature?? it really depends on the situation. So far, i haf yet found the ultimate place which i can shine in. But i always uphold this belief, Shin Nen, that so long as one continues to thrive and not admit defeat, he/she will ultimately carve a niche for himself/herself.

Meanwhile, patience is a virtue ;)

am i mature?

2005-10-02T10:42:00.000+08:00

Hmmm, dunno why but recently ppl say i more mature liao. I haf always been mature for my age k...eversince i was a toddler...hahaha:)

But the pt is tt perhaps i feel tt there are many more things in life to embrace than to feel sad abt or to qiang qiu. Like wat cat and yc always say, how come no guys like us....blah blah blah... ya ya ya, tt's rite. It's quite sad or pathetic to haf no one to woo u, to admire u etc... but i feel tt relationships cant be rushed... if it's urs it will come to u eventually, just like stairway to heaven whereby chengjun ge used the theory of the boomerang to show jingshu tt love will eventually return. It's the same for us in real life, if ur love is fated to come it will, no pt complaining and feeling upset tt u dun haf a guy in ur life...

So why am i not worried? Aiya, at most dun get married only mah...they dun want me then dun want me lor... i think ah, think only tt i haf my means to support myself, and spiritual fulfilment is more impt than physical fulfilment. And having frens beside u is more impt and more fulfilling than having a lover...i guess, maybe cos i can treat them like a luxury gd, not a necessity.hahah:)

i am crazy~ I want to be nun, no guys allowed ahahhaa...dun haf anymore sex drive...hohoho

i cried

2005-09-30T23:15:00.000+08:00

I cried...for the first time in many many mths...too much stuff, too upsetting plus tt movie by andy lau...wah one time shot, good job!

Actually abt crying...i haf got a really long history. I used to cry alot in primary sch...in class, tt's when my pri sch classmates bully me. I will nv forget wee seng and kenneth, wah they bully me every other day, take turns one somemore...hahah, but those were the days when i can cry and cry non stop :)

BUt now, i have settled down emotionally. Perhaps it's becos i haf found peace within myself, or maybe i haf grown to take things as it is, or even becos i noe crying doesnt solve problems... My advice to ppl is tt if u feel like crying, go ahead, but aft u cry, u must not plunge into depression mode, or u will not be able to save urself.

If u need help to get urself out of depression, u can always come and look for me instead of dwelling in ur own miseries, cos i think wif someone ard to listen out is actually better than having none;) I can help save lives too!

Halu

2005-09-26T21:20:00.000+08:00

I want my HALU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my goodness, this is the kind of guy i am looking for! someone who i can take care of and someone who relies v much on me...ahaha, like a mummy to her lil boy;) And my boy can be really man at times...on the outside..haah, must noe how to act strong and brave in front..then will purr and whine in the private, tt's wat i am searching for!!! man, u gotta watch PRide, it's so so so so so good...and takuya, tho i nv really like him, i think he is cool and shuai! i wish i can become aki someday, find a gd man and be nice all the time...tho she is really quite old fashion at times...but i admire her even tho i am a gal myself...cos i think she is great...wah... i cant imagine mah...watchin aki hug halu while he sobs like a lil boy, this is so sweet...ahhaah...i think i am crazy, but so far, i am not at all looking for anyone..cos i think i haf someone in mind alr...tt is halu..hahah, if only masha was halu..but then, masha wld not look convincing...cos he is probably better at aki's role...haha i think i am mad!

I am so so so hooked onto korean dramas...this is shit..i cant stay away from watching tv every now and then and its v v bad...cannot continue liddat, i will get tv poisoning...need rehabilation, any one noes how?

i am so proud of u

2005-09-16T20:30:00.000+08:00

Guess wat my bro told my mum...he said, "dun worry, u can retire after i finish my NS"

Oh my gosh!!! Tt's so touching!!! How i wish my son next time wld say such things to me... Mummy dun worry i will support u aft i finish NS... oh goodness! I wld love my son so so so so much!!! He's going to buy a house...soon...11 months later... $2000 per mth...hmm, shd be affordable for him la...hee then he say tt i can finish paying the hse by 32 yrs old...hahah...he will be the youngest guy to own his own house...oh man!!! gals...anyone interested?? haha, if he isnt my bro i wld want someone like dat too..haha...oh well, but i doubt he really is a very nice guy...as a guy at least..haha...

dumb and dumber

2005-09-16T14:21:00.000+08:00

I just learnt a very important message! That is....wearing more condoms increases the risk of getting AIDS!!!!!!

Believe me....really...now i am gg to explain it to u why....

This is because condom itself is supposed to be worn tightly over the erected penis. And if u wear more than 1 condom...which is 2 or more...they are likely to rupture and the chances of getting infected is higher! It will also cause injury to ur precious "Princess Sophia", it hurts! ouch!!!! This means tt the more u wear does not mean the safer u are but the more exposed u will be! So my advice is dun wear too many condoms...just like any other things, to be in moderation is enuff...excessiveness will only cause misery!

funny

2005-09-05T23:04:00.000+08:00

do u watch KOREAN dramas?
I used to hate it k? haha, but i am hooked onto 2 of them! ahah, eh, it's the one at 6pm and 10 pm on channel U...best! i like it!
the one at 6pm is funny...esp Qiyuan and Li Yuhua...i think they are really huan xi yuan jia! I think this is more fun lor...and i like meizhen wif minshi ge...unlike tt huiyuan who is trying to steal minshi fr meizhen...haiz...tsk tsk...but i haf a feeling tt my personality is more like huiyuan leh....i also liddat kind of mindset...but as usual, i dun do wat i tink :)

enuff of korean dramas la...i think i will go mad at this rate...my next show wld be PRIDE!!! woohoo, takuya kimura!!!! but i like my everdearest fukuyama masaharu most! i just bought his new single...it;s called tokyo! it;s gd and comes wif a dvd of his mtv! wah;) i love masha!!!!!

a lesson learnt

2005-09-01T13:45:00.000+08:00

Hmmm, went to clarice's blog just now and noe tt she is so deeply in love wif yy...hahha, gd gd, lovebirds must last wor! dun let others kan bian. But as far as i noe usually ppl dun kan hao de relationships last very long de! so dun worry, i always ask my gd fren when they breaking up but they are still tgt, since 3 yrs ago...so dun worry, it's a blessing in disguise! :)

Well, back to wat's been on my mind for the past 24 hrs...it's a reprimand from a fren...i hope he is one...or at least i regard him as one la...hmm, thanks for telling me tt words do hurt, esp when they come out fr my mouth...and to rectify the mistake, i did apologise to her and hope she seriously felt alrite alr...cos i nv knew tt my jokes can get overboard at times too... gomenasai ne!

Receiving praises is a great feeling...esp fr ppl whom u used to think hates u...hee, ok la, maybe it's cos i am too sensitive...but somehow i think alot of ppl misunderstand the kind of personality i haf, but so be it, cos i do not haf to pretend, i am myself! Well, yy said tt i am mature in my thinking...and wat i said enlightened him...hohoho...is tt considered a praise?! i took it as one cos...yy always suan me but eversince he's wif clarice he changed for the better...thanks clarice! eh, wat did i say tt make him think tt i am an 18 yr old? Well, i merely told him my perception of life....

let me ask u, if u were to die tonite, wld u be v frightened? well, for me i wldnt be, but i wld be really busy for the next 10 hrs..cos i wld call all my frens and relatives to say my last words... in fact i wld feel happy too, cos i think it's the time tt i smile and die, while they wld all cry for me, i think it's a honour to haf frens and families to weep for u, cos it means tt u r impt to them. Tt's why back to yc, if u had cried for a fren, it means tt u cry for her. Sometimes i wonder, how many of my frens wld cry for me when i die...these are the ppl who truly loves who i am, the cecilia tt wld always live in their mind forever! ahahha

xi chuan's birthday

2005-08-20T18:08:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday Xi Chuan! Ni Lao le!!! ahaha :) 18 mths old not very old la!

Hee, this week is full of ups and downs...but according to my horoscope i was suppose to go thru some controversy...but seems like...well...nvm

My new conclusion: Short Guys are better than tall guys! ahaha
I can back up my conclusion her k! Hmm, i think it's becos of my gd impression of shorter guys recently, like david, alex k, and haha kim too... bowlers if u r reading this pls stop laughing at me... There's a good and sound reason k, u see rite, shorter guys as compared to their taller counterparts are at a disadvantage cos of their height, so they wld usually be more sincere in treating their friends or females... I am saying the truth, dun u think tt shorter guys are more gentlemanly? i.e. they are more generous and receptible to ideas and comments....nicer too...ahah, unlike the taller ones who think tt they r damn tall so they can flirt ard, cheat lil' gals.... And as far as i noe, famous cosmetic surgeon Georgia Lee said tt his husband is shorter than her( she is 172cm), he may be short but in terms of confidence and sincerity, they scored 100 marks!!! wow!!! isnt tt a good empirical evidence? hahah! Plus, i realised tt tall guys take gals for granted...so far guys who r tall take advantage of gals...such as tt bloody hell Peter, and many more whom i cannot mention, plus, they r great flirts. Cos they think they r tall wat...so wat if u r tall, i am tall too!!! ahaha...ok, i am not saying tt i am flirt, but sorry tall guys, u r condemned by me this wk!

What i did this Week:
MOnday i went bowling, it has been 3 mths since i last bowled... erm, somehow i lost abit of touch tho....like the hand dunno how to hook....it looks like i am spinning soon...haha, but it was really fun, and louis is damn pro!!! he beat me for a game...damn, this is no gd..haha but i still scored a high game of 198...seems like i can't break 200 leh...how?...i think i better work harder, cannot lose out sia. Plus MJ was trg there, stressed lor...eh, but sadly i really wanted to see avinesh, but he nv go for trg...so sad....He;s another short guy who i admire too...talking abt avinesh, erm, it makes me think of Shuji....he is so so so cute....but then i regret telling Elke abt this....she made fun of me la. Ytd, she walked past me and shouted shuji, and i turned ard, only to see her laughing at me....damn it! Xi chuan's bday was fun...but somehow i think hardly any of us had the Xin qing to play, i guessed it cos of prelims drawing near...and everyone's really stressed out...it's quite sad tho....i wld love to play, but somehow everyone's burden wif smth....everyone's tired....so sad ;( But i really do hope XC feels happy abt this bday arrangement tt we had for him, it's quite last minute, but it's really the tot tt counts honestly...hahha

As for my embarassment, i think it's worth it....cos we all had fun at fish&co, laughed till we had cramps and i almost leaked....oops..haha, sound disgusting, but it's true...and i puke 3 times, see how bad we laughed? they were basically laughing at me....ok, ME who sacrificed myself for all this laughter k! erm basically, it's all started wif me bioing a cute waiter....his name is kim, a nice person wif a bubbly persona...v friendly guy... eh, then they(XC, ED, SX, Mich, SH) dared me to ask him over and i did...so liddat lor....and then, he came...and they all started laughing....since then i think he realised tt i was looking at him and all tt..so i am not at all spared frm all the embarassment...plus they were laughing so loudly....oh my gosh! it;s like....so erm....i dunno how to describe the feeling, and stupid bigmouth SH went to tell kim tt i like him. Oh holy cow, it's not the way to do it u noe....and guess wat he said...he is attached!!!! ok, it's like...erm, i nv even tot of it tt way...oh my, why do guys think tt if a gal likes him means tt she wanna be wif him??? So dotz....to me...if i like someone it is DEFINITELY not tt i wanna to be wif him...oh man! it's a misunderstanding but then again i still think tt kim's a nice guy, if i were to eat fish&co again i wld go to the changi airport outlet...haha, cos aft all u pay for service tax, it wld be more worth it if the waiter is cuter and friendlier rite???hahaha :) That's the end of my embarassement...not telling u guys more k! ahaha, too paiseh alr!

the lil things

2005-08-07T23:47:00.000+08:00

just went for Mrs mao's farewell party last wk, hmm, Alien mao is retiring, i think she is cute... as in the way, hmm, adorable cos can u imagine she is so creative tt she calls herself alien mao when describing the geograpy terms...she is so so cute! like her mane too, very curly and thick! how i wish i haf half of her volume...hoho

wat i like most abt the party is tt it reminds me alot abt the past, the past 4 yrs of red cross...and to me, it's a v memorable time, somehow i believe, to many including myself...tt when u r experiencing hardships, u will tend to dread it, but when u look back, u will find tt those times were really memorable! To me, RC was the bulk of my sec sch life, forming at least 80% of my memories;)

when i was in Sec1, i was a crybaby...really, i cried almost every session, hahah, i am like a water tap, the deepest impression was seow yee ma'am, lishan ma'am, huimin ma'am and hwee yi ma'am. They haf formed my group of idols...wonder if u haf ever admired ur seniors, to me i did, tt's cos they are pretty, intelligent and haf great character! to me, they are great ppl! i love them most! In sec2, course formed my core, becos of HNS, i think i missed out alot on studies, alot on my class...but i think it;s all worth it! cos it's becos of HNS tt built my character today, to me, missing out on smth isnt the end of the world...eventho i was really depressed abt the failure to achieve wat i wanted, i held on to the belief till today tt it's not tt i am not gd, but it's bcos there are others out there who r better :) if u understand tt, u will soon realise tt even if u fail to achieve smth, it's mite not be due to ur imperfection, but due to others' excellence.

So to all my frens, believe and haf faith in wat u haf, it really doesnt matter if u r the leader or the follower, cos at the end of the day, it's wat u believe in tt holds true in ur life, Dream it Live it!

In sec3...it's my yr of play and accelerated growth, i think i am the prettiest in sec3...hhaha..tt's my prime k!felt really proud of myself, cos my phot was on the ndp mag...wohahah, so was my msg, i wonder if i still kept those mags, shd haf rite? so 50 yrs down the road i can show my grandchildren how wonderful and beautiful their grandmama was!!!!
Sec4 was the yr of friendship, my friendship wif sinnee nv dimished, and at the same time, i gained alot of other friendships from mich, ryl, lisa, pris and many more...those were the times when i spent talking to mich on bus psychoing her abt my suggestions, bitching wif lisa non-stop abt the sec2s...ahahha....i was a B****!!! ahha, so proud to be one too :)

But in fact, the best of all isnt just all these, it's actually all the experiences, all tt i haf learnt over the yrs, all the rights and wrongs, i believe, i haf also held on this belief--- Cecilia, if u Dream it, Live it! To my frens, when u r down, dun despair, it's ok to tear, it's alrite to feel depress, but u must always rmb to get up aft ur fall, cos u r the only one who holds on to ur Belief, treasure it!

news

2005-07-23T19:37:00.000+08:00

honestly, i have nothing much to share...dun like to talk abt my personal life, neither do i have much feelings abt anyone...so i shall just talk abt wat happened recently, i just met up many frens recently, tt includes my sec sch frens...anne, kaiwei, cheryl wong, tab, reena, jasin and cheryl wee...erm..it's been a really long time, i think everyone has changed, including myself...no longer as active as b4...no longer as talkative, but somehow, it;s an occasion tt requires me to talk and so i did...i love talking...and there;s the need to converse, or it wld be really boring.

just to mention smth in sch recently...my neighbour was just asking me, am i going to not talk to him anymore??? Hmm..honestly i have nv ask myself tt...cos i nv even tot of not talking to him neither wld i take the initiative to talk to him..somehow, i think the friendship is gone, or perhaps it hibernating...but i seriously think tt he's just cannot make it..i mean, the signals tt he has given me is..stop and dun come near me, cos i dun want any distractions, so be it. I feel less demanded to do smth for someone...there;s less commitment in this friendship. afterall, he's a loner, and i nv disagree with it! Pathetic

thots

2005-06-22T17:13:00.000+08:00

wat is the most tiring thing tt u haf done for someone whom u care???

hmm, ask this urself...when one think of this question, one wld defintely think of smth tt he has done for some gal tt he likes, the sacrifices tt he had made for some gal or guy...but think again, must it be someone whom u like in tt manner???

consider ur mum or dad who haf been working so hard for the family...consider the pain tt ur mum had to go thru to gif birth to u, the many sacrifices...the time tt they spend not slacking ard, but doing tough jobs at work while u slack thru ur hols in front of the TV...or even the computer...oops, i am guilty of it too :( , look at how much they haf sacrificed for ur sake...for the family..the every cent tt they bring back to the family...whether or not u directly benefit frm it...somehow somewhere something just sparked me to write this blog. Perhaps it's due to guilt cos of excessive slacking? but i really think tt my parents are great individuals! Tho they may seem childish at times quarreling over minute affairs. But at the end of the day, they just care for u! Really they do!

Well, as for myself, the most sacrificial thing tt i haf done, hmmm, i cant think of it honestly, maybe cos i am not a v sacrificial person...or perhaps i haven't met anyone tt needs me to be sacrificial to, or even cos i haf a real bad memory?! aahha, for all sorts of reasons...i just cant rmb.

Turn good make good and contribute to society

2005-06-20T22:17:00.000+08:00

Nice title rite? hee, heard this over the news..someone say tt: turn good make good and conribute to society...not bad rite? it gives ppl another chance to turn over a new leaf!

ok, time to share smth wif u...apparently i haf been listening to yes933... and i just heard this song by fan xiao xuan...called Rain...not bad la...it's sweet and hehheh...alot of memories! wooho=) but there's another song which is a tear bomb! tt's Gu dan de ye li wo bu gu dan by daniel chan...fo many who are not fans of Daniel chan u will most prob not noe wat song tt is but if u haf watch Jue dui superstar u wld haf heard of tt song...it's sung be Chen Wei De..that blind man during his selection round...he did it really greatly! I am totally mesmerised by his voice lor! hoho...i support u WEIDE!!! hmmm..if any of u happen to have tt song pls tell me k? haha..i want to dl tt song too=)

hmm and also i haf been experiencing lots of slp inducing moments..for every 1 to 2 hours..i got to take a nap of 1 hour..crap man..i feel like a pig now! ok, take ur time k! ahha..slp tight and well!

I'm back!

2005-06-19T17:59:00.000+08:00

Hi everyone! woohooo! i am back..prettier and cooler! all thanks to my IT savvy blogger meiqin! oh my! i love her la...she's the mastermind who revamped my blog! cool rite?hahaha i knew it! love her so so so much lor...she's so nice to help me with my blog...hohohoh....so nice now!

hee..ok, to update u on myself! erm...i think i am gg to haf cobwebs ard me...nv step out of house for 1 whole week..been feeding on rice dumplings...so i think even if i dun haf cobwebs..i will also die of obesity la! hohoh..ok, tt's all besides the point...erm..i think i haf been having abit of cheap thrill online...such as playing minesweeper and hexic on MSN...oh my, i am such a pro in playing these 2 games now...hhahaha...crazy rite?

well, besides slacking in front of the computer...i did smth meaningful but wif abit of craziness la...which is to mug overnite...crazy rite? but who's idea> xichuan lor! haiz...tsk tsk...always teach me the wrong things...i have been studying over the past week till wee hours...we haf this challenge...see who can chiong till the "earliest" can? hahaha...of cos as usual, the one who doesnt haf to slp la...not me of cos...hahahha i am a pig in disguise! ahaha....ok, but there's a heavy price to pay, haf to treat him to movie lor, ex can! aiya..but nevertheless...it's liddat la...i lost to him haiz... @#!%^#@%$!#R@&%$^@$* irritating..hahah..but then rite...must lose de qi wat! ahah.it's ok..i will beat him one day...erm i mean 1 nite! hohoho

ok, hmm for now i got nothing to add alr...haha..cos eh, certain things cannot say la...hohoho...but i can tell u...hahah..wait till jct is over..i will tell u more! hee =)

let me tell u this

2005-04-01T14:00:00.000+08:00

Let me tell all of u this k, hmm, if u ever find urself waking up in the middle of the nite to pee a fews time everynite...it's time u check out ur bladder with the doc...i am telling u the truthk, dun wait till it;s too late...

jialat la... i think Mr Ang is a terrible lecturer...cannot make it man...wah....i tak boleh tahan him liao...aiyo....i thinki goin to LT2 the next maths lecture...cannot stand him anymore...can someone pls pls teach me how to do discrete random sia...i think i am actually quite cut out for statistics de...but then hor....aiya...i cannot make it liao...becos of tt stupid discrete random...haiz...i sad liao la...and if he continues to teach us man...aiyo...totally CMI sia

ok, lemme tell u how childish the JC2s can get sia...haiz...this kind of thing...only pri sch kids are capable of de lor...kaoz...too much lor, but quite fun to watch show la..hahah..,stupid ppl la...cannot make it also..why cant they just be nice to each other and not be so childish...hahah... why dont they just be more mature and think abt the more impt things ne??? terrible..i am goin to leave my ass out of all this shit lar...i dunno them man!

Well, hee hee..guess wat, i passed my march progress report...not bad lar...considered quite an achievement for me...cos i really tot i wld fail lor...haiz...my maths cmi...my GP also almost failed...jialat...to think tt i came from SCGS...terrible sia...i dui bu qi scgs ne...

Ok, time to make confessions k, hmm...just on wed, i big mouth and busybody go and tell michael abt 2 of my teammates...and then aft tt i so honest to tell hem abt it....hahahahh...:) dun u think i am such a honest friend???hahah, haf faith in me man...not tt i cant keep secrets, but if it;s smth worthy of speaking and being proud of, why not ne???hahah, jiayou k, i haf confidence in the 2 of them...hahahahha...can de la...must be tgt k....must jiayou...tj bowling kao the both of u le

Hmmm, actually rite..i think i am the haf smth to say de la...honestly rite...i think sometimes relationships can kill... like somebody, whom i am not goin to mention...seriously rite...as a fren, i really think tt if u r goin to be affected terribly by smth, do not succumb urself to such a temptation. i wont...at least not at this moment, but sometimes, i think it is just a passing mode ba le...haiz...bu ting cecilia yan..is ur greatest loss in the universe sia..

i think my blog very de not interesting...sometimes i think i am succumbing back to living for others...becos even blogging is not exactly smth tt i wld do frequently...just tt got ppl ask me to blog and update...so i do so lor...but honestly rite...i dun haf a fetish for writing...wat i believe in is to write how i feel when i haf the "feel", not when others want to read them...terrible sia...but still, this is the true cecilia...meanwhile, wish me luck in my tests next wk and the wk aft....

lastly, wld like to wish all a very happy april's fool...hope i do get tricked...but even if someone comes to me and say tt i haf a crush on u tmr...i will be happy too...cos at least i haf a value in others' lives tt i stand a placing in their hearts...hahah
Welcome back my dear frens...see ya all at o nite tmr!

dun miss out my blog

2005-03-27T20:43:00.000+08:00

it's been a really long time since i last blogged...not tt i din want to, but due to the unsuccessful times of publishing my posts, i am just too sick to writing for 1 whole hr and then all my hardwork wasted within a click. SICK!

Hmmm, let me update u on my recent doings...
I've just put on 4.5kg...it's terrible...i hate myself for no controlling my diet...and now is the result tt i haf to bear wif...shito! aiya...i am sure i can lose those stupid kilos away soon..hahha...so optimistic huh> well, got to be...or else xc will say i always sad sad de...but then hor...i think he will nv say tt anymore...cos he cant be bothered wif me liaoz...perhaps cos i whine to much..but then again...i am just liddat la...i noe it;s no gd...but then hor...i need the attention from my friends u see...cos sometimes....there're many things tt i cannot control... just like i cant control my weight lar....aiya...i think i must really undergo a hell training tt i gotten lose like 6 to 8 kgs...so tt i can go back to an average type of body...too fat le lah...too fat will be left on the shelf de wor...

And talking abt being left on the shelf...guess wat i am very scared leh...i've always wanted to gat married b4 25...and haf 4 kids...but then think again rite...do i sound desperate to get married...hahah....actually sometimes i will only say but i think when the time comes..i will be very scared and worried tt i will not be able to commit myself into a marriage..scared lar...anxiety...cos as u see, the divorce rate is on the rise..and many times one cannot be able to commit to one person for his/her whole life...isnt tt sad? Dun u think tt a person shd just be specially curved out for that other one...so tt one has a unique partner and will nv leave tt person? Does it sound idealistic? But isnt tt perfect if it were to be this way..hahaha

hahaha....ok, but before u get married u wanna date first rite...date de partner must be compatible....compatible in terms of mentality, personality, family upbringing, education and lastly looks... i think all this makes a person unable to open up and date as nature wld like them to. cos most ppl whom are still good looking, great upbringing but still unattached is probably due to high expectations tt they want to find tt ideal man tt will suit them...but dun u think tt is quite sad cos u r actually forgoing the one who has alr be there for u all along and missing him out like tt... it's a waste of time and energy to looks for tt supposedly better person....who u think mite be the only one for u...
but there he is....waiting for u...discretely ne. THis reminds me of 2 pairs of ppl ard me...who are not treasuring wat they haf got beside them...and maybe they r just taking their time and eventually they will end up together de...hahah...but then again, dun disappoint me hor...or else i will feel so sad...cos i want also dun haf...

oh well, u see rite...life is not just abt love and nothing else..of cos everything ard us evolves ard love...but then again...there are many things in life tt we live for....we live for our family..friends and our dreams... i was once told dreams keep us alive and motivate us to live each day to achieve our goals in life... hmmm, well, recently i just went to sarah's church...i quite like it there, cos the feel is just nice..but wat i am worried is abt commitment...i think i wont be able to go to church weekly religiously...i am just too slack and i cant wake up for it....not tt i am not faithful but i feel tt believing in a religion means tt u agree wif wat it says and able to worship it as ur God...an idol... and the first time i attended sunday sch...auntie lingkheng talked abt revelations...i havent touched my bible for years man...and the first time i read revelations...i think it really touched my life deeply... when anyone feels tt life is getting tough for urself...u shd think abt it again...tt wat u r encountering now is just the process tt will get u to the ultimate aim tt u wished for...u r living for a dream tt u are abt to realise. u will only be able to relive tt dream thru all the processes tt u haf to undergo, which is making ur life terrible and upsetting now. But at the end of the day, u will be able to live ur dream alive... This is when u noe tt all ur efforts tt u haf put in are worth it... isnt tt heartwarming>?? and gives hope tt u will be able to go thru the ardous journey in life.

Wonderful, i think i will attain enlightenment soon...talking ab enlightenment...i think i am a bit de diff liaoz... Lishan noes it... i am getting more and more holy...no more ogling at guys, thinking abt relationships and stuffs...i will wait for them to fall for me...hahaaaah...wait long long rite? but it;s true la...i feel tt it's useless to go and force it the way u want..it's call letting mature takes its course..hahahah...i think it works for me..at least i think i am more relaxed..but mite not be happier tho...having fun and excitement is cool...and fun, but then the ups and down are common too...which makes life miserable at times, cos there's just too much worries. but now, i think i am much more calm and relaxed.. so i feel tt to a large extent i am more calm...and to others i am happier...hahah...do u think so>??

well, talking abt everything together... i believe tt bowling is making ups much of my life now...cos apart from studies...and family...i guess most of the time i haf now is spent on bowling...bowling...bowling...something tt i enjoy doing...something tt interest me...something tt makes me want to do more oftenly..something tt has brought me lots of laughter, friends and even pain...i love it... but at times, i dunno if i am doin the rite thing by putting bowling as my priority over council. i believe it is not politically correct in saying tt, but u see, council is abit de dead now la...haha, but then again i dun care much again...cos i've learnt tt i cant possibly make everyone happy and it is useless to live my life the way others want me to...so i will just be myself and the cecilia who will influence in the way tt i've always done...love ya ppl all!

Oh ya, and just a few days ago i read on the news tt they was this gal, call xiaxue who got lots of endorsement by just blogging....oh my...she's my aim man..i wanna be like her...hahah, anyway my blog has always been interesting and entertaining...no reason why they dun choose me...just tt i am not a very frequent blogger..haah...oh well, till then, i shall just say bye now! :)

i am back!

2005-02-08T17:29:00.000+08:00

hi all... i am back...after my computer crashing for at least 2 to 3 weeks..but well, even when i can come online now...hahha, the internet connection still got prob de la..haha

enuff crap, my cny new yr resolution is to ensure tt i am a better person...i seek to improve myself in watever i do.so rite, my frens, if i am wrong, do correct me..cos i really look forward to improving myself to be a better cecilia...hahhaha i will succeed one day...

i was just talking to evelyn on sunday, abt how ppl react...hmmm,she mentioned tt mostly, ppl always complain when things turn out to be bad for them...but they haf nv ask why they were given great opportunity when they succeed. This is a common thingy in ppl..but at least for myself...i thank GOd for giving me the frens ard me who have always given in to me...esp Lishan, sinnee, the bowlers and my juniors...they r just so nice...i thank them for being there for me when i needed them, i appreciate watever tt i have received..and i also noe tt when i am down and faced obstacles along the ways, it;s becos heaven is fair, there;s always happiness and sadness, and there's always a silver lining after a rainy cloud...i am sure u will be able to understand tt one day.

once again, take care hunks and babes, i love u peeps v v much! and happy chinese new year in advance, get more ang pows and give me a v day pressie too!!!! ahhahaha

specially dedicated to my xiao xi'er

2005-01-21T13:40:00.000+08:00

hahahahahahh....eh, i have already decided to not call xc xi'er anymore...it's my new year resolution..hahah, here's as promised, tt i shall write one blog specially dedicated to this marvellous fren in bowling... how shd i start ne? ok, it all started from my invasion of his privacy which he was quite mad abt..but then, he's not really mad la...but i think i was super bad lor..as usual wat..ahahah...but a great guy must haf a gd temper, just like xc...hahha, also rite, he's a ultimate stupid or i shd say...erm, not polluted guy la...hahaah....he's a councillor in Maris u noe?! haahhahaha....can laugh till we drop lor..ahhaha, cant believe tt la...ahaha, but well, can imagine la, he dun play cards.. dun drink also..very very guai guy...:) haha, and also his -_- ahaha, although i always show him my irritating and scary temper tt he's super scared of, hahahah, but still, aiya, hope tt he noes tt i am just kidding and also, why can't he treat me better? just like how nice he is to both sarah and sx...i am not expecting too much though, but at least, pls treat us fairly la, always ostracize me one...i am so so so sad lor...always say, we four we four...i am one too...tt makes us five k?! hahaha...oh well, he's my lucky star too, whenever i play beside him i always do better...and i am his lucky star too...hahaha, he can get v v high as well wif me ard...hmm, wat else ne? hahah, i am a very nice person already, but i must tell u tt this xiao xc...is a even nicer person...he always make me feel tt there's always someone ard who is always there for me no matter wat, and i really appreciate it... thank u so much! haahaa...so mushy rite...aiya, but it's all truth cos i speak nothing but truth...hahah, ok, and also i think he's the one who make me feel tt there's still hope in life...cos he made me find dr ash whom made my day during the sports camp even tho it was ultimately boring and bo liao, heng ah at least got the bowlers' accompany. I must also mention tt he is a great guy with a great heart, hmm, how shd i put it leh? erm, he's super caring...in a woodblock way...haaha, but then i really do appreciate his existence ard me...i think rite...if i am his mum... i will feel v v proud of this son...cos he;s super guai and nice...and also...i think he's not rebellious in spite of his rebellious look..hahaha....so ironic wat,,,hahah, eh, also rite...whenever he appears..or at least when i see him in times of needs...like when i am feeling ultimately bored and upset, i find him like my lucky star, someone who brightens up my day immediately, just like whenever i see the bowlers...i always go: eHHHHHHHHHh i miss you all so much! omg, wat to do, i think i am just to inclined to these great ppl who can really make my day, console me when i am sad and haf fun with me...they take very gd care of me...and i feel tt i am being concerned by them....makes me feel great and wanted...tt's why i wont disappoint u ppl...esp xc...who tried hard to make me less pessimistic...so sorry...actually i think i am not very sad de person...but then i cant help but feel sad at times...for dunno wat reasons...i mean cos i am easily affected by watever tt happens to me, others and things ard me....in other words i feel for many others...so rite...xc...i will try my best de...hahaahahaahaha...oh well, u r the new Ben Shi...and i think it suits ur personality...tt's so funny...u r so easily cheated by others...hahah...but then hor my tears were real k...u really make me feel so sad lor...u bloody idiot la...hahaah...but decided to forgive u on account of the other bowlers who helped u to qiu qing..hahaha...see, i so da ren you da liang..hahahah...but i haven get my ice cream yet..hahahaha ok la...shall not bully u any further...later u scared of me...hhahah, ok la...cant think of any additional things liaoz..eh, my last words are...must jiayou k, i believe u can be a great person next time...hmm, be a zai bowler and a doctor too...hahah, if u ever become one must rmb me k? hahaha, eh, maybe it's time tt u wanna share some of ur secrets to me soon..ahhaha, afterall i am ur "dear" lor..ahhahahahahhah -_-

my first diary

2004-11-26T17:01:00.000+08:00

hmmm, decided to start a blog after reaching mei qin's..hahah
well, this is my first blog and hopefully not the last entry...hahaha
Hmm, nothing much happened today, but i am quite occupied the whole day though.
let me see, wat did i do? i woke up real lat...1.30pm, ate my breakfast and lunch together and lend my brother my ezilink card which has bus concession..hahah, oops...it's illegal rite...but heck lar
And i received a call frm my uncle...again...it's the 9th time he called this week...i'm starting to have a phobia now... actually, he's just trying to help me wif some stuffs...but aiya..his voice not sexy or man enuff..so doesnt make me wanna hear more lor...

Oh well, i've always thot tt blog is quite stupid and redundant...and it's too attention seeking..as if u haf no frens la...but hhaha, i think it seems quite fun and cool to write one tho...hahha
now tt i've join to be a blogger, i think i haf to think positively of blogs.

I just watched Bridget Jones' Diary yesterday....with He Qian and Aiting...and i am really jealous of Jones k...she's so lucky to haf 2 guys fighting for her, even tho she's 'slightly fat'..Hahah, just like me...ok, i maybe fatter than her, but u noe wat.. i got the same bday as her k! hahahah, so honoured. Next, my bro said tt i looked thinner than Renee, hahha, i am so happy...hahah, but still my luck isnt as good as her lor...
but i think there's still time u see...hmmm, way to go cecilia!
And i think Hugh Grant is so...mama mia! omg, he's like such an appealing guy! he's man and suave!hahahah, hope to meet someone like tt one day!

And i think i am in love again..hmmm, this time round, i am so in love wif mayday's Guan You(yan ming)! He's so damn it cute and funny sia! OMG he's like the most corny person...i mean artiste i've met, it's like he's so super metrosexual, he straightens his hair b4 he sleeps and when he wakes up, he applies aromatic oils on various parts of his body after bathing... he walks around in undergarments back in the hotel room...ahhaha he's so super cute...and when he accidentally spilled his food on his pants, the other bandmates were eating from his groin...hahah, and he stood up and felt in between his legs saying, "leng leng de" (cold cold one).hahahaah omg, he's so damn cute can! and to think tt he qian said, if we were to write a book abt cecilia's crushes, it would be a dictionary thick! hahahah, it think that's a good way of phrasing it lor..haha, well, cannot help it la, i just like to looks at guys...hahah, think abt how funny they can get at times...hee...and sometimes i pity guys whom i might haf crush on, so sad k...cos i still like many others at the same time. But i might emphasize, i only like Masha and Weijun seriously k....hahah, oops, but they are just too hard to reach!

Guys guys guys, i love guys, i think i haf gone mad...and i love calling them names, like "pong pong tree" whom just finish his As...hope he does well, and many others too...arrgh..can remember all, but just to name some la. Hmm, and to think tt i spent 4 yrs in scgs...and turn out to be a buaya gal...tt's quite sad...but honestly, i dun think i am just buaya or bimbo and nothing else k...i am quite nice at times...hahah, when i dun irritate pple, when i am in gd mood, then i will still talk abt guys, when i am in a party mood, i would be very high...and fun! ahahha, but mostly, pple think tt i am loud, well, true to some extent but they got to noe me better to noe me well, cos i am really quite shy u see...hahhaa

I must also express my love for bowling...dunno why, perhaps my butt reminds me of 2 bowling balls...hahaha, how i wish my boobs are half its size...then i can forget abt implants..hee =) I may sound quite crude..but well, in a funny sense k...cos i am quite conservative when it comes to the real thing, i think its very hard for a gal to ask a guy out, and i only did tt once in my lifetime...hahahah sucessfully la....i mean..u noe the date kind?! haha, not bowling trainings or watsoever crap...cos sometimes, i may just haf the urge to call a very close guy fren out for crap sake...but pls dun get the wrong idea....it's purely platonic....read the chi news today, heard tt Jay was encouraging guys to woo Jolin...cos they are not together mah, how i wish there's a fren like jay who wld do tt for me...hahha, and to remind yee chien, jay wants 4 to 5 kids, u must give birth if u wanna marry him lor! hahaha, so funny.

And talking abt love life and so on...i think my is yet colourful but boring...cos the colourful part is tt i haf lotsa of stupid rumours...ranging from "toot" to my dearie husbands whom i recently divorced.hhaha, but they are all not true k... i love to joke wif frens as long as they love it too...hahahha, the boring part is..the real guy hasnt appeared yet, hmm, i mentioned Guan You, masha and Weijun just now...but they are all hard to reach, so i am really looking forward to a real guy..hmm, actually i dun haf very high expectations la... he just got to be taller than me... and has a great smile...and okay looks will do! hahah, most importantly i must be able to sayang him and he loves me too...hahah, must accomodate my nonsense at time too..so whoever who thinks tt u fit this category, and is currently single or intending to breakup soon and is interested in this funny, laughy, naughty, tall(1.7m) adn "slightly fat" just like renee zellwedgner, i hope i spelt it correctly. pls send me a msg k....hahahah

As for emotions..i dun usually feel sad...cos i always psycho myself to think abt guys...which doesn't make me feel sad other than to think tt my list is empty..hahah, a bit disappointing tho..but still, i think they are extremely interesting creatures! I felt there's an urge for me to really study hard sometimes...for my sake...and for world peace too...hahah, hopefully i can be miss world, so i can go "world peace" ahahhaahhah, wait long long k! And abt ambitions....i haf a long list k. Wanted to be a doc, but now, no no k...and to be a nurse...forget la...hahah, but i think its still a gd idea to be a nurse and marry a doc next time...hahahah, docs...i am coming..hahah, jkjk only la! or else everyone who wanna be a doc wld think thrice again..hahah, abt doc, i've got this bro, who is a surgeon, very capable...and nice person...i miss him lots...hope he's doing fine in his work and lovelife...and when he gets married...hope he invites me, hahahah! fat hope la! Hmm, but for now...i am thinking of venturing into business...maybe food industry or fashion..i just love them, cooking and fashion...cos i am training to be an image consultant on my friends now...but i still rely alot on my best fren Lishan....cos she's really cool and updated in Fashion k..and also Jade, who is extremely confident, woah! I envy her so much! For now, i think i just haf to be practical la, maybe i will do PR related stuff cos i am the PR officer in the bowling team, they saboed me...hahah

I must declare my love for the following ppl:

my mommy---who thinks tt she is suffering from depression
my didi---forever very nice but very irritating at times
my kor kok---u r getting more shuai but i miss ur hair....u haf a really round head k!
my dad---care for us la...will u pls?
my grandmama---tho i noe i am not very fillial to u...but i really think u r very poor thing....
Lishan---u r the best fren tt i can ever wish for
Xiaotian---u r the next best fren tt i can ever wish for...dun be jealous k
Jadie---miss those days in pri sch...i think u r a very great fren...and intelligent too
James---u might haf forgotten me but i haven't forgotten u!
Masha---u ranked the first in my heart always...if i ever see you, i wld yi sheng xiang xu
Guan You aka Yan MIng---u r so cute and funny...hope to meet someone like u soon!
Jasin---u r so understanding and u noe me so thorough and well
Anne---u r forever so nice and encouraging...but u gotta take care of urself k!
Sinnee---my 3rd best fren...my best fren ever in scgs, gd luck in love with eric!
Aiting---u are so skinny....eat more...dun be too wild k!
Meiqin---dun always so sad sad k?! ahah, wat's wrong?wat happened? here i am to disturb!
Yeechien---time to grow up....ur voice and ur ideology...hahah, hope u employ me as ur image consultant k!
Reena---u r a pig!
Kit Lu---stay blur
Vicki---glad to haf made a fren like u, u really reminds me of scgs
Sarah---i love pink too!
Mi-ke---sorry to keep u waiting for my blog...hahah u r so stone!
Shixuan---grow taller la!
Xichuan---u r very qiang! i love u always....hahaha, ur ex-wife
Eddie---thanks for so many things, bowling...testi, the short marriage and ur accomodating behaviour to their and my nonsense, gd luck in getting into OAC!
Greg---spastic! but won't forget this best captain ever!
Huimin---thank you for showing me concern all this while, i do appreciate it!
Shan Bing and Yiling---won't forget ur friendship always no matter wat happened
Janice---nice knowing u thru council, the only happy thing lar!
Zirui---u r great gal u noe!
Royston---u look like an ant! hahahah
Chirag---i like ur sweet tongue!=) but u re absurd at times too
Pong Pong tree---u noe la...hope u will keep the bball as a momento
Mr TOny tan---u r the cutest and nicest teacher ever!
Mr Veera---sorry i forgot ur full name, but i do like u, but too bad u r married..hahah
Heeraj---u r the coolest fren i haf met, so hairy and nice to this self-proclaimed mistress
Daniel Wu---i wld melt when i see him...my idea lover!
He qian---forever so nice and accomodating....hhah, ur mentos!
Dr Ash---just discovered tt he's XC's family doctor, ooh..i miss his so much!

i shall just name 39 pple for now k! hahah, way to go! love ya all out there but play safesex k! beware of AIDS!